Getting Through Grief

By Julie Axelrod, Psy.D.,
Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement

When someone close to us dies, our loss is met with sympathy, comfort and offerings of sincere condolence. We are allowed to grieve. We are allowed to cry. We are allowed to experience our emotions.

But when the death is that of an animal, the story is very different. Often, others fail to appreciate the depth of our grief. Some may even display gross insensitivity by making comments like, "Why don't you just get another pet?" Mourning an animal companion is painful enough due to the loss itself. But it may be deeper still due to the loneliness of this type of grieving.

Why are the feelings so painful?

Loss of unconditional love. Animals provide emotional responses that are uninhibited, unedited by concerns for how their expression appears to others. Many of our human relationships aren't that simple; they can be riddled with anxiety about rejection and other fears that often dictate how we behave and what we share. Our animal companions don't judge insecurity or imperfection. They are all-accepting in ways few humans can achieve.

Caretaking. Loving an animal is much like being a parent. We are responsible for these living beings, and often go to great lengths to ensure their physical and emotional comfort. Numerous activities were centered around our animal companions' needs. We hired walkers and sitters so that they had company or exercise. We went to dog parks to enhance their lives with social activity. All were efforts to provide them with the best caretaking possible.

Animals as life witness. Our animal friends not only provide us with their uninhibited emotional expression, but they allow us to express parts of ourselves that we may never let other humans see. They observe our weaknesses and our victories, and share years of our lives with us. During periods of upheaval that we inevitably confront over long periods of time, they may provide us with our only security, stability and comfort.

Many goodbyes. We must say goodbye to each role the animal occupied — friend, child, significant other — as well as to feeding time, walking routes, and all the aspects that made up our practical routines. We must say goodbye not only to the physical activities, but to the reflexive way we called to them when we wanted comfort and love. These goodbyes all serve to make grief a course that requires time and patience.

Loss of our primary companion. For some of us, our animal friend was our only social companion in the world. We may not have had any other close contacts, whether due to depression, anxiety or a debilitating physical illness. We relied on her as our sole means of support and love.

What might make my grief more complicated?

Guilt. This is the primary stumbling block to a healthy grieving process. Did I do enough? Or "If only I…" Whether death came after a short or long struggle, many of us wonder if there were routes not explored, medications not taken, surgeries not performed. If we were unsure whether all options were exhausted, then residual guilt may hinder moving through grief effectively.

Euthanization. Many of us are called upon to make the excruciating decision to end the life of a beloved animal. We spend our lives ensuring their health, and while euthanization may end their suffering, it contradicts every instinct we have. Grief is further complicated if we are plagued by doubt: Was it really the right time? Was she really getting worse? Questions like these may never be answered. Further, we are left with the image of her as she died, which can be overwhelming.

Circumstances of the loss. If we perceive that the death might have been avoided, the duration and severity of our guilt can be intensified. "I should have closed the screen door tighter so he didn't run into the street," or "I wish I had noticed her symptoms sooner, because she'd be alive today if I had." These kinds of comments only further punish ourselves.

Grieving timeline. Grief gets derailed when a timeline is imposed: "I should be better by now," or "Why is she still so sad?" Not having the necessary time to mourn, which varies for all of us, creates emotional pressure to "get better quickly." This ultimately results in the opposite of what we're seeking, which is to work through our feelings of loss.

Reawakening an old loss. A companion animal's death may remind us of a previous loss, animal or human. This complicates the current situation if our prior loss was not dealt with or went unresolved. It is then important not only to mourn the lost animal, but to take this opportunity to find closure with both losses.

Resistance to mourning. This complication often arises out of our efforts at coping. Some of us may suppress feelings so we don't appear weak. We may fear that the tears will never stop if we allow them to begin. Whatever we use to defend against our true emotional experience will complicate our natural progression of grief.

Many of these complications have important functions. Staying conflicted about the death of an animal often binds us to our deceased companion, keeping us closer to the time when she was alive. Letting go of grief can also be mistakenly interpreted as a betrayal, as though trying to feel better equals trying to forget. But that is not the goal of grieving. We'll always love the animals we've lost. Healthy grieving means getting through — not getting over.

What can I do?

Be patient. This is the first key to effectively dealing with your grief. Our losses are real, painful, and evoke a variety of feelings and memories. Anytime you find yourself wishing you were better, wanting to be "past" it, remind yourself that your emotional processing has no set endpoint. You're in mourning. By pressuring yourself, you only make yourself feel worse.

Find an ally. Find at least one safe person you can talk to about your loss. If you can't identify someone safe, call your veterinarian and ask for the name of someone who recently experienced a loss, or look into joining a support group specifically for pet loss. (Check these Web sites: The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, at aplb.org; or petloss.com, which has chat rooms and online memorial services.)

Do an overview of your companion's life. You can do this by writing, or sharing with an ally. When did you adopt the animal? What are some special memories? What personality features stand out in your mind? What will you miss the most? This overview helps cement the things you want to make sure not to forget.

Rituals. Humans have prescribed ways to mourn. We have funerals, ceremonies and anniversaries of the beloved's death acknowledged. These rites are designed to help us grieve and to remember our loved ones. Create your own rituals for your companion. Have a ceremony in the dog park. Hold a service at home, or in a place special to you both.

Possessions. Often, we encounter the food bowl, bed, blankets, and are immobilized as to what to do with them. The first step can be to move them to a different location. Take the bed out of your bedroom. This helps the transition, allowing you to move the items before you remove them. When you're ready, put the animal's tag on your key chain. Seal his belongings in a trunk. Donate her bed to an animal organization.

Memorials. Do a tree planting or plant a garden. These can be living tributes that serve as reminders for years to come.

This is a sorrowful time. There will be occasions when we won't have answers to our painful questions, or activities to quell our longings. But ask yourself: What would your companion do if he found you sad and in pain? Give you love, give you comfort, stay with you as long as it took. That's worth remembering — now, more than ever.